Dear Readers and Breeders,
I briefly considered apologizing for my overlong absence to anyone who has maintained a foolish loyalty to me, but then I thought… “Nah.”
Truth is, I’ve been having a life – a homosexually-unionized, morally depraved and sin-riddled life that remains dedicated to the ultimate and worthy goal of destroying BM (Breeder Marriage). Yup… good times, no regrets. But now I find I must write once again! The muse calls! Also, there’s nothing else to do because I’m stuck inside thanks to Hurricane Stupid Sandy and my husband Rick is doing his artsy-fartsy stuff and ignoring me.
In any case, today I would like to discuss one of the most important topics in modern times: Nate Silver’s 538 Political Calculus blog.
Yes, that tricky little online outlet through which Mr. Silver shares the results of his predictive electoral college model, a sort of meta-analysis of state and national polls with a variety of rational weightings and adjustments. Clearly, because I read such heady stuff, I’m quite fancy.
Before diving into the meat of the discussion, however, I must first point out that Mr. Silver has been masquerading for some time now as a “gay”. Yes, this “thin, effeminate” man, as conservatives are wont to call him of late, has apparently been tricking the GOP into believing he’s one of my people! Ha! He most certainly is no such thing. Why, one need only consider the cheap cut of his suit to realize he has no genetic material in common with my tribe. (No offensive, Nate, but three words: British cut worsted.) No, Mr. Silver is a breeder and is, thus, anathema to me.
More importantly, he is a charlatan, a Wizard of Oz, if you will, who fills Dorothy’s head with false hopes based on the worst kind of prognosticative quackery. As one writer (albeit in the loosest sense of this term) opined on Politico earlier, Nate Silver predicts that Obama will win BASED ONLY ON… and this is the kicker… MATH. Clearly, Mr. Silver is either a half-wit or a liar – or both (which would be really bad, hey?).
What’s clear to me is this: If Nate Silver were so darn smart, he would clearly have predicted the return of cobalt blue to the Fall/Winter Armani collection. He did not do so; therefore, he is to be shunned for his lying, deceitful ways.
I am going to begin my own predictions this election season. Because my predictions will be quite highly influential, I will now refer to my upcoming series of blog posts as “539” by way of saying, “My blog is better, you partisan statistician” and pointing out I am clearly influential enough to deserve a full electoral vote of my very own to bestow as I see fit. Sort of like a land grant with large castle gifted by Queen Elizabeth to a favorite.
My prediction is this: There is a 72% chance that if you are reading this blog right now you will become gay – and an 84% chance that you will be in a gay marriage – by November 6th. The model I use is for my predictions is better than Nate’s because I use a SUPER-model – Heidi Klum, to be exact. She always knows who is going to win on Project Runway, so she has an excellent track record.
Take THAT, Nate Silver! And stop trying to make everyone think you’re gay just so you can be popular. Chances are that you’re totally lying about it all.
More later. Now, I must do something to promote the homosexual agenda and ensure that my marriage ruins yours.