Dear Readers and Breeders:
Of the myriad reasons I am in love with my spouse-to-be, Rick Santorum – whom I refer to as Rick II, by way of distinguishing him from my other husband, Rick I – the raison numero uno is that he is a worthy opponent, by God. And let’s face it: There is simply nothing hotter than a worthy opponent (OK, actually, the werewolf from True Blood is totally hotter, but let’s put him aside for purposes of this discussion and stay focused, people).
As he made quite clear during his recent tour de force speech to Americans for Prosperity, Rick II sees right through the married homosexual plot to destroy America through increased availability to higher education, which has manifested itself most recently in President Obama’s “snobbish” push for college funding for all Americans. I’ll tell you, nothing gets by Rick II (especially if it has butter on it). For this reason, as well as those sexy sweater-vests that show off his pear-shaped physique, Rick I and I are determined to marry Rick II. And a llama or gnu.
Which brings me to the crux of the post.
Now that Rick II has spilled the beans (and eaten the ones he could salvage right off the floor), there is no longer a point in keeping our latest plan a secret. So, here it is in black and white: Rick I and I are going to destroy the fabric of society through our snobbish support for higher education. This will obviously lead to the demise of Traditional Marriage, increase American dependence on foreign oil, infringe on the rights of Christians to practice their religion, and result in a loss of jobs for blue-collar workers. If none of this is making any sense to you, you’re a GED-toting idiot and you will need to follow this blog for the rest of your life so you can make something of yourself.
The specifics of our plan are still be worked out, but here are some initial thoughts:
As you might expect, a variety of Homosexual Hollywood Elite Power Couples have signed on to work with us, including: Oprah and Gayle; John Travolta and Tom Cruise; Kelly Clarkson and Queen Latifah; and newly-in-lust Mario Lopez and LL Cool J. Each of them has provided (or probably will provide maybe) substantial funding, personal endorsements, and super-duper enthusiasm.
All we have to do now is bide our time and watch as the United States slowly turns into a nation of highly educated homosexuals who find themselves back in the fagotty, humiliating #1 position on the global literacy map. We will be able to compete again in the global economy, hold our heads high when we go abroad (instead of mumbling, “I’m…. uhhh… Amerinnnn”, and find other countries on a map… all of which mill work together to destroy the fabric of society and make Traditional Marriage a thing of the past.
Wow. We homos really are EVIL. If I weren’t me, I wouldn’t give me any rights either. I’m really dangerous.
Dear Readers and Breeders:
As the whole Proposition 8 hullabaloo whirled around, a number of breeders amongst you inquired about how exactly we married gays do what we do – you know, in terms of destroying the fabric of society and wrecking families kind of stuff, I mean.
As most of you know already, we recruit children, sexually accost breeders in public restrooms, etc. But the question remains: HOW exactly do we do those things?
Ah, that, my dear Readers and Breeders, is a tale worth telling. Or a blog worth blogging, I suppose.
I have, over the course of my blogging career, mentioned a few of the standard gay methods of destroying traditional marriage and compelling breeders to do our bidding, such as: animal sacrifice; drinking their blood at the full moon; spell-casting; and gay club drugs. But these are old chestnuts in our bag of homo tricks (not that there’s anything wrong with hanging onto a trick that’s a reliable old chestnut, mind you). The truly awe-inspiring and powerful weapons we gays wield, on the other hand, have never been mentioned outside the Secret Pink Circle… until now.
Read on, if you dare. (Oh, keep reading, you big baby.)
1. Pansy Potion – This sexually-deviant elixir is an ancient recipe that dates all the way back to the 1970s. Originally brewed as a hangover cure for “Boone’s Farm and Black Beauty” parties, it was soon observed that those who drank this potion soon exhibited patently homosexual behaviors;within hours of imbibing Pansy Potion, the imbiber became significantly more attractive with lower body-fat and smaller pores. Moreover, their IQ and EQ shot up well beyond the norm, while their taste in clothing, food, wine and interior decor turned notably flawless. This potion has been used on breeder men ever since and has resulted in countless successful gay conversions. The key ingredients in Pansy Potion are equal parts Tattinger Brut Champage, fen-fen, and ritalin, with a splash of Tab, a spritz of Chanel #5, a pinch of craft glitter and a Kalamata olive*, served in a chilled Waterford martini glass. (NOTE: It’s lesbian counterpart, known as “Butch Beer”, has similarly magical attributes and works in much the same way as Pansy Potion; the main difference is the ingredients, which include equal parts Sam Adams, soy, tempeh, and a dash of Odwalla juice served in an old Red Sox World Series Champs plastic cup).
* The olive doesn’t actually do jack-shit. I just love olives so I like to add one for a festive, gay touch.
2. The Eye of Dorothy – This astonishing amulet can be created from any large rhinestone brooch that has been worn by a fabulous drag-queen at midnight during The Night of Thousand Gowns ball in NYC. In a nutshell, it can be used to hypnotize breeders into giving up their children for induction into the gay lifestyle. (Note to gays: It also looks really great if you go as a Duke or Viscount for Halloween, which is an added plus.)
3. Lasso of Poof – This weapon is a distant cousin to its more famous third-cousin twice removed, Wonder Woman’s Lasso of Truth. Unlike the rope wielded by the famous heroine with the cool-ass bracelets that every gay man totally wanted as a boy, the Lasso of Poof uses the power of gender confusion and questions over sexual orientation to convince the victim that he/she is gay. The Lasso of Poof is usually made from a simple recipe of Home Depot twine, gold glitter spray-paint, an eye for detail and a flair for drama. After the Lasso of Poof has done its work, most gays use it to tie up their breeder victims for purposes of sexual molestation, as well as to make them do any necessary vacuuming, laundry and general home repair.
4. Hot Glue Gun – Whether it’s converting breeders or putting up that sawtooth molding you’ve been eyeing at your frenemy’s condo, there is simply nothing that cannot be done with the help of a hot glue gun. (Possible exceptions include the treatment of syphilis, the de-friending of horrid people on Facebook, and bringing peace to the Darfur region.)
5. Vodka – When all else fails, the best thing to do is get breeders drunk. Even the children. They are, as a group, much more pliable when plastered. I have personally converted over 300,000 breeders to the homosexual lifestyle using nothing more than my innate charm (which is considerable, I might note) and a bottle of Grey Goose Me. This mystical brew from the humble potato also works beautifully with the lesser charms mentioned earlier, especially gay club drugs. Warning: For young gays who are new to converting breeders, be aware that the gay club drugs should be used sparingly; there is nothing more annoying than a six-year old boy who wants to hear “I Will Survive” over and over again while dancing on a speaker in a sparkly frock. It will fray your last good nerve! so do proceed with caution.
There are, of course, countless other weapons in our arsenal. My next posting may be about the spells we married gays use to bring about the downfall of traditional marriage and the ruination of the world. I may have to translate them from the original Pig Latin, but I think it will be worth the effort and contribute to the larger knowledge base of mankind.
And if any of you breeders think you’re gonna try one of these weapons on the gays… think again, Claire-Ann. As Glinda the Good said to the Wicked Witch of the West, “Begone, ugly breeder witch… you have no power here!” (Paraphrased from the original.)
Dear Readers and Breeders:
I am currently reading Simon Doonan’s latest book, “Gay Men Don’t Get Fat”. While it’s patently obvious that his little “tour de forced” is a rather reductive* knock-off of my sensational, socially-explosive blog, I do find bits of his writing amusing. I might even go so far as to say I occasionally chuckle as I read and do credit him with some low-level insights into breederdom.
* Reductive in the same sense that Madonna implied Gaga’s “Born This Way” a reductive knock-off of her own Vivaldi-esque “Express Yourself”.
Doonan’s premise is that gay men are kindred spirits with French women in that both tribes are bitchy, smug and self-assured. Yet, despite these similarities, Doonan rightfully adds that gay men have an edge over breeder Frogs by virtue of ACTUALLY BEING FABULOUS as opposed simply to believing themselves so. Reductive Doonan, admittedly, seems to be onto something here.
Back to me.
What if some fabulous, gay married couple – say, for example, Rick and I, just to throw an idea out there – were to describe in detail how FABULOUS our lives are in comparison to the dreary existence of their married breeder friends, relatives, neighbors, co-workers and acquaintances? Could we make them realize the futility of their bleak hetero relationships? And, in doing so, could we cause breeder divorce rates to skyrocket, with the resulting divorcees turning to gay club drugs in order to escape (which would be a super-lucrative opportunity for the 99% of gay marrieds who deal in illegal substances)? Would we married gays thus be in an ideal position to scoop up their contested assets and adopt their children into our own Godless homes for recruitment into the gay lifestyle?
Clearly, the answer is a resounding, “Of course, darling!”
So, for all my breeder fans, listen up whilst I regale you with the details of Rick’s and my BRILLIANT, CHIC and EXCITING GAY MARRIED LIFE. If this doesn’t have you heading to Las Vegas in a black cloud of despair for an overnight decree, you must be illiterate (in which case I’ll draw some pictures for you later). For those breeders who can read however….
Here is a typical day at the home of Rick and Pete, your average married gays:
You see, breeders, we gay married people really do have lives that are SO MUCH MORE FANTABULOUS than yours could ever possibly be. Why don’t you just surrender, get divorced and hook up with someone of the same gender? The best thing you can do is to follow the advice that Anita gave to Maria in the classic musical West Side Story: “Stick to your own kind, stick to your own kind!”
p.s. – Mom and Dad, I know you’re not reading this because you guys don’t “do the computer”… but we’re still taking your marriage down.
Dear Readers and Breeders:
In my professional life, I am what is commonly referred to as Digital Strategist. In other words, I have a job that is VERY fancy-schmancy, hoity-toity and higgledy-piggledy (which doesn’t really fit with the other two expressions but was the best I could do given my extremely aggressive editiorial calendar). Anyway, a big part of my job is to talk to clients about how to measure the success of a project or engagement.
Which made me realize something. How will I actually know if I’ve destroyed Traditional Marriage? Not just wounded it or put it in the hospital or given it a bad case of rickets… but really CRUSHED IT.
I now see that what Rick and I need are some hard-core metrics to help us gauge the success of our plot. We need proof points, case studies, white papers and double-blind clinical trials.
What we have at this moment – in terms of evidence our plan is working – is largely anecdotal. Here are the highlights of what we’ve got:
1. Kim Kardashian was involved in a very mature, successful, mutually-nurturing relationship with some sports guy and they got married. Then New York starts stirring the pot with gay marriage legislation. Next thing you know… BOOM! The fairy tale is over. Kim’s and Sporty’s marriage was collateral damage. The same thing happened to Britney Spears; must have been a COINCIDENCE that right around the same time, a number of liberal states were mucking around in the muddy waters of gay marriage… or was it…?
2. The people of Greece were just going along, not bothering anybody, trying to live their lives… until Barak Obama starts talking about the need for “more gay rights”. Before you can say, “Hiney-Poker Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers” ten times fast… BAM! Their country can’t repay its debt and Arianna Huffington gets divorced. Probably one thing had nothing to do with the others… or did it…?
3. The Patriots were favored to win the SuperBowl… until Tom Menino becomes one of five major city mayors to support gay marriage… and POW! The Pats go down in flames and Tom Brady prepares to put Giselle The Mouth up for sale on eBay. Or at least that’s the news as reported on Twitter by Roland Martin who is on… oopsy, my bad… who USED TO BE ON CNN, but was suspended for being a prime-time asshole.
But these anecdotes are utterly insufficient to show our success! Damn you, breeders! You are a tougher lot to foil than I ever imagined. (The problem is that a lot of your males LOOK AND ACT really dumb, so it’s kind of deceptive.)
It all comes down to this: What Rick and I need is a CSI murder trial worth of HARD, SOLID, AIR-TIGHT, UNTAMPERED WITH EVIDENCE to prove our plan is succeeding on a global scale. And the only way it will happen is you, Dear Readers and Breeders. We simply cannot do it alone (I just sang that line aloud, FYI, for all the gays that love “Chicago”). So, if you know of any major marital catastrophes in the world that are probably a direct result of gay marriage, please leave a comment here with enough information for Rick and me to build a case for our success.
Oh, and if you have been personally affected by gay marriage and are currently undergoing a nasty divorce, please leave your ex-spouse’s contact information so we can get some scoop worth printing. Thanks heaps.
Contrary to what some may think, I love breeders. Some of my best friends are straight. Heck, even my mom and dad are breeders. It’s just that I can’t condone their lifestyle. In the words of me, “Love the breeder, hate the sin.”
There is one breeder, in particular, who is an absolutely lovely person (no, Kathy Griffin, not you). I’m talking about my fellow blogger, Jamie. She recently posted a charming note on her own blog pointing people here to mymarriageruinsyours. Here is the post (just because it’s so damned cute in a breeder-ish kind of way.)
With Prop 8 being deemed as unconstitutional in America (woo-hoo!), I stumbled upon what might be one of the greatest blogs ever and I want to share it with you. It’s called My Marriage Ruins Yours and it’s about “How two godless gays got hitched and then set about destroying Traditional Marriage.” Catchy right? With his marriage certificate in hand, he sets out to destroy “Breeder Marriage” with what he calls homoterrorism, Pete is hilarious! (NOTE: She accidentally calls me “Paul”; I’ve corrected it here. I suppose we gays all look alike to her.)
I highly recommend you read this blog every chance you get! It’s my newest read and one of my favorites!
As I told him in the comments section- I hope his marriage ruins mine!
Don’t get me wrong… I’m still taking her marriage down like the freakin’ Hindenberg. It’s just that I think you should read her blog as it occurs.
Go see what’s going on in her insane life: http://www.thelifeofjamie.wordpress.com. And tell her PeteG sent you.
Dear Readers and Breeders:
This very day, married gays around the world are committing acts of what I call “homoterrorism”. That’s right, Homeland Security sleuths and toughs will need to be on the look-out for same-sex love crimes that may seem inconsequential to the untrained eye but that are deviously calculated to destroy Traditional Marriage by promoting gay nuptials.
I am assuming that at any moment the federal government will issue a “fuschia-level” alert (which is SO MUCH WORSE than red… like al-Qaeda times a hundred and fifty-three). A public announcement will ensure to ask that law-abiding married breeders report any of the following bizarre, Godless, and suspicious activities:
For married breeders, this clearly constitutes a “See Something, Say Something” situation. But the poor dupes will be so busy swapping flowers and candy and lingerie that we married gays will have the perfect cover for our gay military junta to replace the current democratically-elected government.
You didn’t think GAYS IN THE MILITARY recently got the go-ahead just because Congressional breeders wanted to do the right thing, did you? Ha!!! No, no, you fools. This landmark legal maneuver came about because Rick and I worked diligently behind the scenes – in cahoots with the Pink Mafia’s other married gay homoterrorists – to strong-arm the Obama administration and make them do our bidding. (I also promised Michelle that I would sketch wedding dresses for each of the girls, so she made double-sure things went our way.)
Oh, Sweet Victory, you are the loveliest Valentine of all. *
* Dearest Rick, I mean this only in the metaphorical sense. You still need to get me something expensive, dear.
Married Breeders, enjoy your flowers and candy and lingerie while this Valentine’s Day lasts… for your relationships are DOOMED!!!
Dear Readers and Breeders:
Rick and I have realized that Phase I of our plot to ruin Traditional Marriage was over before it began. We simply did not know enough about breeder culture to blend. What we needed was to educate ourselves on their ways and customs. For example, why is a trip to Water Country considered a fun vacation? Why are Rachel Ray’s SuperBowl recipes considered delicious food? Why is NorthFace fleece considered business casual?
In the name of our cause, Rick and I have decided to do an immersion course in breeder culture. For the past 24 hours, we have done the following:
Dear Readers and Breeders:
There are golden opportunities in life that arise from the unlikeliest of sources; we must seize them and bless life’s irony in the process.
During his speech at CPAC – or IPECAC, as I call it – Mitt Romney transparently spun his stint as governor of my own fair state, Massachusetts, into a point of bragging by claiming that despite gay marriage’s ratification on his watch, he had successfully prevented a much worse outcome. Indeed, by defending an old miscegenation law designed to prevent interracial marriage, Romney hoped to prevent out-of-state homuxules (as my friend’s somewhat batty grandmother refers to us) from flocking to Massachusetts, getting hitched, and bringing their newly married status back to their hometowns to be spread around Typhoid Mary-style.
In spinning his foolish yarn, Mr. Mitt had unwittingly handed me the keys to the Kingdom of Breederland. You see, he made me realize that all my husband Rick and I need to do is get as many gays as possible to come to Massachusetts, infect them with the same-sex love bug and scurry back to their own states like little wedded cockroaches ready to infest (I almost said breed). We will make our state the Las Vegas of Gay Marriage. Here’s what we’ll need to do in order to implement “Marry Me, Massachusetts!”, the next major milestone in our evil plan to ruin Breeder Marriage (BM):
1. Slot machines. Gay people don’t generally like tables covered in cheap, green felt; it offends our aesthetic sense. Therefore, we’ll need to lobby Governor Duvall Patrick about putting slot machines into the men’s shoe departments at Barney’s, Neiman Marcus, and Saks, as well as the lumber section of Home Depot (can’t forget our dykes). Oh, and these machines MUST accept leftover drink tickets from various circuit parties and gay rights fundraisers.
2. Drag queens. Simply put, we will need a lot more drag queens than we currently have on-hand in Massachusetts ready for deployment. Everyone knows Las Vegas has fabulous showgirls. What few realize is that the very finest ones are drag queens and/or transgendered gals. Does anyone have a cell number for the American Drag Queen Embassy? It must be located in Texas or Georgia; everyone knows these are big drag states. Is there a website Rick and I should visit to learn more? I know a few drag queens myself, but this plan requires HORDES of them. Does anyone have Ru Paul’s cell number? We’ll need to place them at T-stops, Amtrak Terminals, fine restaurants, mall entrances, upscale hotels and Home Depot (gotta keep the dykes happy) to ensure our out-of-town guest are properly greeted wherever they go in our fair state.
3. Drinks, drinks, drinks and more drinks. Good cocktails are an absolute must when there are gays to be had. No self-respecting homo-person is going to go to a place to get married (or attend someone else’s wedding) where they don’t offer an open bar with top-shelf liquor. Oh, and the dykes are going to want free food, so we’ll need some lovely finger-foods and amuse bouche to keep our guests happy.
4. Rogue Christian ministers, defrocked Catholic bishops, and Reform rabbis, as well as several hundred Wiccan priestesses and Buddhist monkesses dressed as Elvis or KD Lang (yup, dyke duty).
5. Good tailors to make bespoke suits/tuxes for both fags and dykes, as well as some really nice Vera Wang knock-off gowns for the increasing number of lipstick lezzies plus a few of the drag queens. Does anyone have a number for Hong Kong? Is there a website for their president/queen/Elder? We’ll need them to ship over their entire bespoke workforce as soon as possible. If they could bring all their fabric swatches, that would be terrific.
6. Flowers galore, with sufficient upscale greens (i.e., not CHEESY FERNS or BABY’S BREATH, thank you; we’re getting married not planning a high school prom). Does anyone have a number for Holland? Or the website of the Dutch Ministry of Gay Affairs? With the current economy, Rick thinks it’s probably best if we buy direct. Also, tulips are a classic and not overly expensive (the dykes are not paying for Lily of the Valley and French lilacs, I’ll tell you that). We’ll also need about 850,000,000 of those little flower food packets; the last thing we need is some bitchy queen screaming about how all the flowers in Massachusetts are day-old floor samples.
7. Celine Dion, Wayne Newton, Cher and Cirque du Soleil. Let’s face it, without these acts, there is no way we are competing with Vegas. We need huge casino headliners with big sets, 200 costume changes and pyrotechnics. If we want to up the ante, actually, we’ll have Gaga. Does anyone have her cell number so Rick can text her with our ideas for a “Monster Marriage” show?
8. Anderson Cooper, Rachel Maddow and Perez Hilton. We need COVERAGE people. Of course, I’ll also be covering the event here on my sensational, socially-explosive blog.
That should do it. Please note that we’ll need to get a lot of this done by the end of April because, come May, we need to be in full swing to take advantage of the nuptial season. If anyone has extra time on their hands and would like to volunteer for our “Marry Me, Massachusetts!” program, please leave a comment here. And be sure to “Follow” this blog so you’ll get all the planning updates.
Mom and Dad, sorry, but we are taking your relationship DOWN…
Pete & Rick