Dear Readers and Breeders:
There are golden opportunities in life that arise from the unlikeliest of sources; we must seize them and bless life’s irony in the process.
During his speech at CPAC – or IPECAC, as I call it – Mitt Romney transparently spun his stint as governor of my own fair state, Massachusetts, into a point of bragging by claiming that despite gay marriage’s ratification on his watch, he had successfully prevented a much worse outcome. Indeed, by defending an old miscegenation law designed to prevent interracial marriage, Romney hoped to prevent out-of-state homuxules (as my friend’s somewhat batty grandmother refers to us) from flocking to Massachusetts, getting hitched, and bringing their newly married status back to their hometowns to be spread around Typhoid Mary-style.
In spinning his foolish yarn, Mr. Mitt had unwittingly handed me the keys to the Kingdom of Breederland. You see, he made me realize that all my husband Rick and I need to do is get as many gays as possible to come to Massachusetts, infect them with the same-sex love bug and scurry back to their own states like little wedded cockroaches ready to infest (I almost said breed). We will make our state the Las Vegas of Gay Marriage. Here’s what we’ll need to do in order to implement “Marry Me, Massachusetts!”, the next major milestone in our evil plan to ruin Breeder Marriage (BM):
1. Slot machines. Gay people don’t generally like tables covered in cheap, green felt; it offends our aesthetic sense. Therefore, we’ll need to lobby Governor Duvall Patrick about putting slot machines into the men’s shoe departments at Barney’s, Neiman Marcus, and Saks, as well as the lumber section of Home Depot (can’t forget our dykes). Oh, and these machines MUST accept leftover drink tickets from various circuit parties and gay rights fundraisers.
2. Drag queens. Simply put, we will need a lot more drag queens than we currently have on-hand in Massachusetts ready for deployment. Everyone knows Las Vegas has fabulous showgirls. What few realize is that the very finest ones are drag queens and/or transgendered gals. Does anyone have a cell number for the American Drag Queen Embassy? It must be located in Texas or Georgia; everyone knows these are big drag states. Is there a website Rick and I should visit to learn more? I know a few drag queens myself, but this plan requires HORDES of them. Does anyone have Ru Paul’s cell number? We’ll need to place them at T-stops, Amtrak Terminals, fine restaurants, mall entrances, upscale hotels and Home Depot (gotta keep the dykes happy) to ensure our out-of-town guest are properly greeted wherever they go in our fair state.
3. Drinks, drinks, drinks and more drinks. Good cocktails are an absolute must when there are gays to be had. No self-respecting homo-person is going to go to a place to get married (or attend someone else’s wedding) where they don’t offer an open bar with top-shelf liquor. Oh, and the dykes are going to want free food, so we’ll need some lovely finger-foods and amuse bouche to keep our guests happy.
4. Rogue Christian ministers, defrocked Catholic bishops, and Reform rabbis, as well as several hundred Wiccan priestesses and Buddhist monkesses dressed as Elvis or KD Lang (yup, dyke duty).
5. Good tailors to make bespoke suits/tuxes for both fags and dykes, as well as some really nice Vera Wang knock-off gowns for the increasing number of lipstick lezzies plus a few of the drag queens. Does anyone have a number for Hong Kong? Is there a website for their president/queen/Elder? We’ll need them to ship over their entire bespoke workforce as soon as possible. If they could bring all their fabric swatches, that would be terrific.
6. Flowers galore, with sufficient upscale greens (i.e., not CHEESY FERNS or BABY’S BREATH, thank you; we’re getting married not planning a high school prom). Does anyone have a number for Holland? Or the website of the Dutch Ministry of Gay Affairs? With the current economy, Rick thinks it’s probably best if we buy direct. Also, tulips are a classic and not overly expensive (the dykes are not paying for Lily of the Valley and French lilacs, I’ll tell you that). We’ll also need about 850,000,000 of those little flower food packets; the last thing we need is some bitchy queen screaming about how all the flowers in Massachusetts are day-old floor samples.
7. Celine Dion, Wayne Newton, Cher and Cirque du Soleil. Let’s face it, without these acts, there is no way we are competing with Vegas. We need huge casino headliners with big sets, 200 costume changes and pyrotechnics. If we want to up the ante, actually, we’ll have Gaga. Does anyone have her cell number so Rick can text her with our ideas for a “Monster Marriage” show?
8. Anderson Cooper, Rachel Maddow and Perez Hilton. We need COVERAGE people. Of course, I’ll also be covering the event here on my sensational, socially-explosive blog.
That should do it. Please note that we’ll need to get a lot of this done by the end of April because, come May, we need to be in full swing to take advantage of the nuptial season. If anyone has extra time on their hands and would like to volunteer for our “Marry Me, Massachusetts!” program, please leave a comment here. And be sure to “Follow” this blog so you’ll get all the planning updates.
Mom and Dad, sorry, but we are taking your relationship DOWN…
Pete & Rick