Dear Readers and Breeders:
This very day, married gays around the world are committing acts of what I call “homoterrorism”. That’s right, Homeland Security sleuths and toughs will need to be on the look-out for same-sex love crimes that may seem inconsequential to the untrained eye but that are deviously calculated to destroy Traditional Marriage by promoting gay nuptials.
I am assuming that at any moment the federal government will issue a “fuschia-level” alert (which is SO MUCH WORSE than red… like al-Qaeda times a hundred and fifty-three). A public announcement will ensure to ask that law-abiding married breeders report any of the following bizarre, Godless, and suspicious activities:
- A man giving flowers to another man (except at a funeral parlor… or if one of them is wearing an orange sari and holding a tambourine)
- A man giving candy to a boy (except if it’s Halloween or Easter)
- A woman kissing another woman (unless there is a straight guy holding a video camera and shouting directions to “Get into it!”)
- A woman holding another woman’s hand (except at a nursing home, a prayer circle, or a manicure station)
- Drag queens dressed in red and/or pink (this group is especially dangerous; proceed with extreme caution)
- Transgendered people because they are just throwing this whole friggin’ marriage/gender/equality thing up in the air like pick-up-sticks
- Any two people watching the Valentine’s Day episode of “Glee” because lewd gay acts cannot be far behind
For married breeders, this clearly constitutes a “See Something, Say Something” situation. But the poor dupes will be so busy swapping flowers and candy and lingerie that we married gays will have the perfect cover for our gay military junta to replace the current democratically-elected government.
You didn’t think GAYS IN THE MILITARY recently got the go-ahead just because Congressional breeders wanted to do the right thing, did you? Ha!!! No, no, you fools. This landmark legal maneuver came about because Rick and I worked diligently behind the scenes – in cahoots with the Pink Mafia’s other married gay homoterrorists – to strong-arm the Obama administration and make them do our bidding. (I also promised Michelle that I would sketch wedding dresses for each of the girls, so she made double-sure things went our way.)
Oh, Sweet Victory, you are the loveliest Valentine of all. *
* Dearest Rick, I mean this only in the metaphorical sense. You still need to get me something expensive, dear.
Married Breeders, enjoy your flowers and candy and lingerie while this Valentine’s Day lasts… for your relationships are DOOMED!!!