Our Godless Gay Marriage Plotting: Phase 2 – Measuring Our Success

Dear Readers and Breeders:

In my professional life, I am what is commonly referred to as Digital Strategist.  In other words, I have a job that is VERY fancy-schmancy, hoity-toity and higgledy-piggledy (which doesn’t really fit with the other two expressions but was the best I could do given my extremely aggressive editiorial calendar).  Anyway, a big part of my job is to talk to clients about how to measure the success of a project or engagement.

Which made me realize something.  How will I actually know if I’ve destroyed Traditional Marriage?  Not just wounded it or put it in the hospital or given it a bad case of rickets… but really CRUSHED IT.

I now see that what Rick and I need are some hard-core metrics to help us gauge the success of our plot.  We need proof points, case studies, white papers and double-blind clinical trials.

What we have at this moment – in terms of evidence our plan is working – is largely anecdotal.  Here are the highlights of what we’ve got:

1. Kim Kardashian was involved in a very mature, successful, mutually-nurturing relationship with some sports guy and they got married.   Then New York starts stirring the pot with gay marriage legislation.  Next thing you know… BOOM!   The fairy tale is over.   Kim’s and Sporty’s marriage was collateral damage.   The same thing happened to Britney Spears; must have been a COINCIDENCE that right around the same time, a number of liberal states were mucking around in the muddy waters of gay marriage…  or was it…?

2. The people of Greece were just going along, not bothering anybody, trying to live their lives… until Barak Obama starts talking about the need for “more gay rights”.   Before you can say, “Hiney-Poker Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers” ten times fast… BAM!   Their country can’t repay its debt and Arianna Huffington gets divorced.  Probably one thing had nothing to do with the others… or did it…?

3.  The Patriots were favored to win the SuperBowl… until Tom Menino becomes one of five major city mayors to support gay marriage… and   POW!    The Pats go down in flames and Tom Brady prepares to put Giselle The Mouth up for sale on eBay.  Or at least that’s the news as reported on Twitter by Roland Martin who is on…  oopsy, my bad… who USED TO BE ON CNN, but was suspended for being a prime-time asshole.

But these anecdotes are utterly insufficient to show our success!  Damn you, breeders!  You are a tougher lot to foil than I ever imagined.  (The problem is that a lot of your males LOOK AND ACT really dumb, so it’s kind of deceptive.)

It all comes down to this:  What Rick and I need is a CSI murder trial worth of HARD, SOLID, AIR-TIGHT, UNTAMPERED WITH EVIDENCE to prove our plan is succeeding on a global scale.   And the only way it will happen is you, Dear Readers and Breeders.   We simply cannot do it alone (I just sang that line aloud, FYI, for all the gays that love “Chicago”).   So, if you know of any major marital catastrophes in the world that are probably a direct result of gay marriage, please leave a comment here with enough information for Rick and me to build a case for our success.

Oh, and if you have been personally affected by gay marriage and are currently undergoing a nasty divorce, please leave your ex-spouse’s contact information so we can get some scoop worth printing.  Thanks heaps.

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23 thoughts on “Our Godless Gay Marriage Plotting: Phase 2 – Measuring Our Success

  1. gkinnard says:

    I did some serious laughing my ass completely off at this post! Thanks, I needed that!

    • George, I find your ass-laughing-off and flippant attitude dreadfully inappropriate in these serious gay marriage matters… although they do show that you have excellent literary tastes. Do keep coming back in the future; my writings may help you in the futue to apply yourself more more concertedly to the social issue at hand.

  2. What about the scuba diver who killed his fiance? Or the producer who killed his girlfriend in Mexico? Have you looked into the Natalee Holloway case? There has to be some relation there!

  3. sweffling says:

    As a breeder may I thank you for a wonderful start to my day, laughing like mad.
    Humour is definitely the most powerful propaganda tool there is. Well done, and good luck from across the pond:)

  4. Thanks for the laugh. I needed that.

  5. psuedok says:

    I really enjoyed your blog. Had to write something about it :)


    • By promoting this blog, you have made an important contribution to society. Of course, if it doesn’t bring much traffic here, I do hope you’ll consider a 4-color, full-page ad in the New York Times. For now, however, I am quite grateful. Oh, and if you’re a breeder, please note you will receive no special rights in exchange, so be forewarned. Thank you.

  6. Neil says:

    I would say it’s almost a certainty that the ungodly and most untraditional vibes emanating from the granting of access to marriage for same-sex couples in Norway, 2009, was directly responsible for the collapse of the ‘opposite marriage’, to borrow Carrie Prejean’s term, of Benny and Suzanne Hinn, 5,200 miles away in Southern California and nearly a year later.

    Sheesh, a guy as pious as Hinn! There’s a gathering storm coming to strike at the heart and most likely the sexual organs of traditional marriage. Same-sex couples started marrying in Iceland, Portugal and Argentina around the middle of 2010 and by January the following year in Arizona, flocks of blackbirds fell out of the sky. That’s some impressive voodoo.

    • Carrie Prejean: The Cassandra of Our Times and Wordsmith of Wonder. So true, so true. Ah, Benny and Suzanne… if people like them would only – in the words of Anita from West Side Story – “Stick to your own kind!”

  7. I think this blog may ruin my traditional marriage as my wife and I spend far too much time on here, though we do it together so it may be the reverse.

  8. Caroline says:

    my life has officially been made by this website. If I were a gay guy I would totally stalk you guys (meant in the best way possible and not creepy at all…) lol

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