Dear Readers and Breeders:
In my professional life, I am what is commonly referred to as Digital Strategist. In other words, I have a job that is VERY fancy-schmancy, hoity-toity and higgledy-piggledy (which doesn’t really fit with the other two expressions but was the best I could do given my extremely aggressive editiorial calendar). Anyway, a big part of my job is to talk to clients about how to measure the success of a project or engagement.
Which made me realize something. How will I actually know if I’ve destroyed Traditional Marriage? Not just wounded it or put it in the hospital or given it a bad case of rickets… but really CRUSHED IT.
I now see that what Rick and I need are some hard-core metrics to help us gauge the success of our plot. We need proof points, case studies, white papers and double-blind clinical trials.
What we have at this moment – in terms of evidence our plan is working – is largely anecdotal. Here are the highlights of what we’ve got:
1. Kim Kardashian was involved in a very mature, successful, mutually-nurturing relationship with some sports guy and they got married. Then New York starts stirring the pot with gay marriage legislation. Next thing you know… BOOM! The fairy tale is over. Kim’s and Sporty’s marriage was collateral damage. The same thing happened to Britney Spears; must have been a COINCIDENCE that right around the same time, a number of liberal states were mucking around in the muddy waters of gay marriage… or was it…?
2. The people of Greece were just going along, not bothering anybody, trying to live their lives… until Barak Obama starts talking about the need for “more gay rights”. Before you can say, “Hiney-Poker Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers” ten times fast… BAM! Their country can’t repay its debt and Arianna Huffington gets divorced. Probably one thing had nothing to do with the others… or did it…?
3. The Patriots were favored to win the SuperBowl… until Tom Menino becomes one of five major city mayors to support gay marriage… and POW! The Pats go down in flames and Tom Brady prepares to put Giselle The Mouth up for sale on eBay. Or at least that’s the news as reported on Twitter by Roland Martin who is on… oopsy, my bad… who USED TO BE ON CNN, but was suspended for being a prime-time asshole.
But these anecdotes are utterly insufficient to show our success! Damn you, breeders! You are a tougher lot to foil than I ever imagined. (The problem is that a lot of your males LOOK AND ACT really dumb, so it’s kind of deceptive.)
It all comes down to this: What Rick and I need is a CSI murder trial worth of HARD, SOLID, AIR-TIGHT, UNTAMPERED WITH EVIDENCE to prove our plan is succeeding on a global scale. And the only way it will happen is you, Dear Readers and Breeders. We simply cannot do it alone (I just sang that line aloud, FYI, for all the gays that love “Chicago”). So, if you know of any major marital catastrophes in the world that are probably a direct result of gay marriage, please leave a comment here with enough information for Rick and me to build a case for our success.
Oh, and if you have been personally affected by gay marriage and are currently undergoing a nasty divorce, please leave your ex-spouse’s contact information so we can get some scoop worth printing. Thanks heaps.