Dear Readers and Breeders:
As the whole Proposition 8 hullabaloo whirled around, a number of breeders amongst you inquired about how exactly we married gays do what we do – you know, in terms of destroying the fabric of society and wrecking families kind of stuff, I mean.
As most of you know already, we recruit children, sexually accost breeders in public restrooms, etc. But the question remains: HOW exactly do we do those things?
Ah, that, my dear Readers and Breeders, is a tale worth telling. Or a blog worth blogging, I suppose.
I have, over the course of my blogging career, mentioned a few of the standard gay methods of destroying traditional marriage and compelling breeders to do our bidding, such as: animal sacrifice; drinking their blood at the full moon; spell-casting; and gay club drugs. But these are old chestnuts in our bag of homo tricks (not that there’s anything wrong with hanging onto a trick that’s a reliable old chestnut, mind you). The truly awe-inspiring and powerful weapons we gays wield, on the other hand, have never been mentioned outside the Secret Pink Circle… until now.
Read on, if you dare. (Oh, keep reading, you big baby.)
1. Pansy Potion – This sexually-deviant elixir is an ancient recipe that dates all the way back to the 1970s. Originally brewed as a hangover cure for “Boone’s Farm and Black Beauty” parties, it was soon observed that those who drank this potion soon exhibited patently homosexual behaviors;within hours of imbibing Pansy Potion, the imbiber became significantly more attractive with lower body-fat and smaller pores. Moreover, their IQ and EQ shot up well beyond the norm, while their taste in clothing, food, wine and interior decor turned notably flawless. This potion has been used on breeder men ever since and has resulted in countless successful gay conversions. The key ingredients in Pansy Potion are equal parts Tattinger Brut Champage, fen-fen, and ritalin, with a splash of Tab, a spritz of Chanel #5, a pinch of craft glitter and a Kalamata olive*, served in a chilled Waterford martini glass. (NOTE: It’s lesbian counterpart, known as “Butch Beer”, has similarly magical attributes and works in much the same way as Pansy Potion; the main difference is the ingredients, which include equal parts Sam Adams, soy, tempeh, and a dash of Odwalla juice served in an old Red Sox World Series Champs plastic cup).
* The olive doesn’t actually do jack-shit. I just love olives so I like to add one for a festive, gay touch.
2. The Eye of Dorothy – This astonishing amulet can be created from any large rhinestone brooch that has been worn by a fabulous drag-queen at midnight during The Night of Thousand Gowns ball in NYC. In a nutshell, it can be used to hypnotize breeders into giving up their children for induction into the gay lifestyle. (Note to gays: It also looks really great if you go as a Duke or Viscount for Halloween, which is an added plus.)
3. Lasso of Poof – This weapon is a distant cousin to its more famous third-cousin twice removed, Wonder Woman’s Lasso of Truth. Unlike the rope wielded by the famous heroine with the cool-ass bracelets that every gay man totally wanted as a boy, the Lasso of Poof uses the power of gender confusion and questions over sexual orientation to convince the victim that he/she is gay. The Lasso of Poof is usually made from a simple recipe of Home Depot twine, gold glitter spray-paint, an eye for detail and a flair for drama. After the Lasso of Poof has done its work, most gays use it to tie up their breeder victims for purposes of sexual molestation, as well as to make them do any necessary vacuuming, laundry and general home repair.
4. Hot Glue Gun – Whether it’s converting breeders or putting up that sawtooth molding you’ve been eyeing at your frenemy’s condo, there is simply nothing that cannot be done with the help of a hot glue gun. (Possible exceptions include the treatment of syphilis, the de-friending of horrid people on Facebook, and bringing peace to the Darfur region.)
5. Vodka – When all else fails, the best thing to do is get breeders drunk. Even the children. They are, as a group, much more pliable when plastered. I have personally converted over 300,000 breeders to the homosexual lifestyle using nothing more than my innate charm (which is considerable, I might note) and a bottle of Grey Goose Me. This mystical brew from the humble potato also works beautifully with the lesser charms mentioned earlier, especially gay club drugs. Warning: For young gays who are new to converting breeders, be aware that the gay club drugs should be used sparingly; there is nothing more annoying than a six-year old boy who wants to hear “I Will Survive” over and over again while dancing on a speaker in a sparkly frock. It will fray your last good nerve! so do proceed with caution.
There are, of course, countless other weapons in our arsenal. My next posting may be about the spells we married gays use to bring about the downfall of traditional marriage and the ruination of the world. I may have to translate them from the original Pig Latin, but I think it will be worth the effort and contribute to the larger knowledge base of mankind.
And if any of you breeders think you’re gonna try one of these weapons on the gays… think again, Claire-Ann. As Glinda the Good said to the Wicked Witch of the West, “Begone, ugly breeder witch… you have no power here!” (Paraphrased from the original.)