Dear Readers and Breeders:
Of the myriad reasons I am in love with my spouse-to-be, Rick Santorum – whom I refer to as Rick II, by way of distinguishing him from my other husband, Rick I – the raison numero uno is that he is a worthy opponent, by God. And let’s face it: There is simply nothing hotter than a worthy opponent (OK, actually, the werewolf from True Blood is totally hotter, but let’s put him aside for purposes of this discussion and stay focused, people).
As he made quite clear during his recent tour de force speech to Americans for Prosperity, Rick II sees right through the married homosexual plot to destroy America through increased availability to higher education, which has manifested itself most recently in President Obama’s “snobbish” push for college funding for all Americans. I’ll tell you, nothing gets by Rick II (especially if it has butter on it). For this reason, as well as those sexy sweater-vests that show off his pear-shaped physique, Rick I and I are determined to marry Rick II. And a llama or gnu.
Which brings me to the crux of the post.
Now that Rick II has spilled the beans (and eaten the ones he could salvage right off the floor), there is no longer a point in keeping our latest plan a secret. So, here it is in black and white: Rick I and I are going to destroy the fabric of society through our snobbish support for higher education. This will obviously lead to the demise of Traditional Marriage, increase American dependence on foreign oil, infringe on the rights of Christians to practice their religion, and result in a loss of jobs for blue-collar workers. If none of this is making any sense to you, you’re a GED-toting idiot and you will need to follow this blog for the rest of your life so you can make something of yourself.
The specifics of our plan are still be worked out, but here are some initial thoughts:
- Rick I and I will work in close collaboration with the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation (which we’ve recently taken over through the liberal dispensation of gay club drugs to its leadership) to create a scholarship program. This brilliant stroke of evil same-sex genius will help fund the education of students who cannot afford college. In exchange, they will agree to become gay.
- The current Secretary of Education will be replaced by RuPaul, who will work with Perez Hilton, Chris Colfer, Rip Torn, and Ellen Degeneres and to develop a homosexual curriculum that will include courses such as, “Find the Perfect Shoe Online”, “Window Treatments As Cultural Change Agents”, “Wharton’s ‘Age of Innocence’ As Metaphor for Converting Children”, “Witty Retorts from 1850 to the Present” and “Auto Repair for Gals”.
- A limited set of approved intramural activities will be funded, including: Fine Arts, Studio Arts, Theater Arts, Art History, Dance, Glee Club, Floral Arranging Club, Fashion Week Committee, Wine-Tasting Society, and Women’s Rugby.
- A standardized test for all college graduates that sets minimum standards for the following:
- Applied Dramatic Flair Abilities
- Self-Tanner Application Skills
- Pop Diva Trivia (boys) or Homeopathic Vegan Remedies for Sports Injuries (girls) Knowledge
- Cocktail Conversation Abilities
- Demon Summoning, Witchcraft and Other Satan-Spawned Powers Practicum
As you might expect, a variety of Homosexual Hollywood Elite Power Couples have signed on to work with us, including: Oprah and Gayle; John Travolta and Tom Cruise; Kelly Clarkson and Queen Latifah; and newly-in-lust Mario Lopez and LL Cool J. Each of them has provided (or probably will provide maybe) substantial funding, personal endorsements, and super-duper enthusiasm.
All we have to do now is bide our time and watch as the United States slowly turns into a nation of highly educated homosexuals who find themselves back in the fagotty, humiliating #1 position on the global literacy map. We will be able to compete again in the global economy, hold our heads high when we go abroad (instead of mumbling, “I’m…. uhhh… Amerinnnn”, and find other countries on a map… all of which mill work together to destroy the fabric of society and make Traditional Marriage a thing of the past.
Wow. We homos really are EVIL. If I weren’t me, I wouldn’t give me any rights either. I’m really dangerous.