My Marriage Ruins Yours

Dear Readers and Breeders:

Because we gays cannot breed like… well… like breeders, we have to have another strategy to keep our numbers up and our population strong.  We don’t want to go the way of the Dodo.  Therefore, we have adopted a rigorous conversion methodology to ensure our survival.  It’s often referred to informally by gays and lesbians as “Recruitment to the Gay Lifestyle:  We Want You!”   Here’s a bit of inside information on exactly how it is we lure innocent children over to the dark side.

There are several slightly different variations depending upon whether we’re trying to create a new gay boy or a new little lesbian.  I’m less familiar with the lesbianization process, so I’ll stick with the process for making gay boys.  Meanwhile, I’ll do further research into the lezzie side of the story and make that the focus of some future post.

To make a new gay:

1. The first step is to dress your baby boy in pink clothes with eyelet lace at every corner.   There is nothing that gets the gay genes turned on like pink clothing.  Some people even wrap their infant recruits in turkey feather boas and hot glue sequins to their binkies.  That’s a bit much for me, but  admire the dedication.
2. When they reach the terrible twos, it’s time to give your son a tiara and a scepter so his ordinary tantrums and fits can be channeled into practice being a princess.  The first phrases you’ll want to teach them to shout aloud while stamping their tiny feet include, “We are not amused!”, “I want a pony!”, and “What a dump!”
3. By the age of six, it’s time to ensure his normal, boy urge to play with trucks, guns and tools is entirely suppressed in favor of an Easy-Bake Oven, a Barbie Townhouse (to include summertime Barbie, Ken, Skipper and PJ), as well as every product ever made for the American Girl dolls collection (this phase of conversion is clearly the most costly).
4. At twelve, our sons are introduced to Mystery Date, make-up, and mommy’s (aka, daddy’s) Manolos.
5. At sweet sixteen, it’s time to come out as a homosexual debutante.  This should be a healthy cross between an upper East Side cotillion and a Spanish Harlem quinceanera.   Chic and elegant, but with glitter and a sense of fun.  Oh, and it’s very important to ensure all guests bow to the new queen in order to give him confidence in his new role (that has helped me immensely over the years to recognize my own superiority over breeder boys).
6. When they turn 21, it is VERY IMPORTANT to make them dress up in drag and take gay club drugs.  The transformation you have worked so hard to craft will come to naught if this final step is skipped.  Think of it as the final varnish on a lovely decoupaged end table; without it, the pretty cut-out cardboard flowers will be ruined.

Now, all this being said, I am aware that some of my more progressive homo pals have experimented with slight variations on this classic conversion recipe.  If any of you fags out there would care to contribute your own formula for a new “specialite de la gay maison”, please do; Martha Stewart would be nothing without the recipes she stole (er, borrowed) from others.

One final note:  Rick and I have recently recognized that our Western-focused approach to conversion is narrow-minded, outdated, unsustainable, and unscalable; so, like many American businesses, we are planning to move our operations to China.  This is very exciting.  They have a LOT OF KIDS over there, so this could be a major expansion for us.  We are also importing homosexuality to Africa (I guess they’ve caught on already; they won’t shut up about it these days.)

Well, it’s time for bed.

Be sure to look over your shoulders, breeders, because we are opening a can of homo whoop-ass on your marital bliss…
Pete & Rick

Dear Readers and Breeders:

Let me start out by saying – How the Christ have you been, people?  My apologies for having been been out of touch for so long.   Life sent a few things my way – travel for work, food poisoning, the flooding of our kitchen by a clogged dishwasher.  You know, the usual.

Anyhoo, my primary husband, Rick (not my secondary husband, Rick Santorum nor the gnu we three married to make it a foursome), and I have been talking about things we can do to ruin Traditional Marriage that are less labor intensive than our usual menu of evil tactics.  And, in the process of talking (in Gaytian – we homos have our own language, you know) we realized that it’s time to get back to basics once again.

Yup.  That’s right, Phyllis*:  I’m talkin’ about… blending.  Acting like we’re normal.  Pretending that our perverted homosexual lifestyles are just like those of regular people.  Shifting gears from overt to covert.

* Phyllis is one of many universal ”you” pronouns in Gaytian, the secret language of homosexuals.  Other similar examples would include Mary-Louise and Claire-Ann.

So, here is a list of the four major things we did this week to ruin Traditional Marriage and, with a little luck, bring about The Gay Rapture a tad sooner:

1. Food shopping – We went to a supermarket and bought bags of food.  Several of them.  Some of the foods we chose were actually in sub-containers, such as boxes or cling wrap.   When talking to the cashier, we didn’t even tell her we were GAY and buying food.  Is that twisted or what?!  If she’s reading this now, she’s probably freaking out!

2. Refilling the gas tank in our car – We literally drove right up to a normal gas station and acted like two people looking for some gasoline.  They had no idea we were actually two homoterrorists looking to ruin their lives through the simple transaction of swiping our credit card and refilling our tank.  We were beside ourselves when we drove away.

3. Sweeping our porch –  Pure adulterated evil.  We bought a normal breeder broom and then acted like we wanted to clean up our back porch a bit before Spring. You know, they way normal people do it.   The one teensy bit of flair:   We threw down a handful of Fairy Dust onto the porch floor so when we swept, all the children in a one-mile radius would breathe it in and begin to question their sexual orientation the next day.

4. Changing our winter clothes for our spring clothes – This is one of the most psychotic parts of the homosexual agenda.  We keep two separate sets of clothes that we switch at different times of the year.  Clearly, the objective here is to confuse and befuddle straight people who generally think that NorthFace fleece is a great year-round fabric and can be either casual or “dressy”.  By having two sets of clothes, we can switch our identities.  Sometimes, I even switch genders from one season to another.  Last year, I even dressed as a marsupial for the winter.  The straight people in our neighborhood nearly had a collective coronary.  Rick liked it because he could ride for free in my pouch, which was also a handy feature for storing things like my iPhone, lip balm and my gay club drugs.

The best part is that after having done these four things, I feel more organized AND a bit closer to taking over the world (by way of destroying Traditional Marriage).  Wow.  This must be how Martha Stewart feels every day.  I should probably start my own magazine like she did.  I could call it, “Gay Godless Living”.   I just hope the publisher won’t want me to do CRAFTS for it.  Jesus, I hate crafts.  I’d rather wear a NorthFace fleece jacket to The Four Seasons than have to make some stupid Christmas tree ornaments out of toilet paper rolls, macaroni and colored pipe cleaners.

Now that the warm weather is here, we’re coming upon wedding season.   For all your prospective brides out there… watch your back, honey.  I am taking you and your breeder-boy down before you even have time to pick out napkins that match your tacky bridesmaids gowns.

P-