Dear Readers and Breeders:
Let me start out by saying – How the Christ have you been, people? My apologies for having been been out of touch for so long. Life sent a few things my way – travel for work, food poisoning, the flooding of our kitchen by a clogged dishwasher. You know, the usual.
Anyhoo, my primary husband, Rick (not my secondary husband, Rick Santorum nor the gnu we three married to make it a foursome), and I have been talking about things we can do to ruin Traditional Marriage that are less labor intensive than our usual menu of evil tactics. And, in the process of talking (in Gaytian – we homos have our own language, you know) we realized that it’s time to get back to basics once again.
Yup. That’s right, Phyllis*: I’m talkin’ about… blending. Acting like we’re normal. Pretending that our perverted homosexual lifestyles are just like those of regular people. Shifting gears from overt to covert.
* Phyllis is one of many universal ”you” pronouns in Gaytian, the secret language of homosexuals. Other similar examples would include Mary-Louise and Claire-Ann.
So, here is a list of the four major things we did this week to ruin Traditional Marriage and, with a little luck, bring about The Gay Rapture a tad sooner:
1. Food shopping – We went to a supermarket and bought bags of food. Several of them. Some of the foods we chose were actually in sub-containers, such as boxes or cling wrap. When talking to the cashier, we didn’t even tell her we were GAY and buying food. Is that twisted or what?! If she’s reading this now, she’s probably freaking out!
2. Refilling the gas tank in our car – We literally drove right up to a normal gas station and acted like two people looking for some gasoline. They had no idea we were actually two homoterrorists looking to ruin their lives through the simple transaction of swiping our credit card and refilling our tank. We were beside ourselves when we drove away.
3. Sweeping our porch – Pure adulterated evil. We bought a normal breeder broom and then acted like we wanted to clean up our back porch a bit before Spring. You know, they way normal people do it. The one teensy bit of flair: We threw down a handful of Fairy Dust onto the porch floor so when we swept, all the children in a one-mile radius would breathe it in and begin to question their sexual orientation the next day.
4. Changing our winter clothes for our spring clothes – This is one of the most psychotic parts of the homosexual agenda. We keep two separate sets of clothes that we switch at different times of the year. Clearly, the objective here is to confuse and befuddle straight people who generally think that NorthFace fleece is a great year-round fabric and can be either casual or “dressy”. By having two sets of clothes, we can switch our identities. Sometimes, I even switch genders from one season to another. Last year, I even dressed as a marsupial for the winter. The straight people in our neighborhood nearly had a collective coronary. Rick liked it because he could ride for free in my pouch, which was also a handy feature for storing things like my iPhone, lip balm and my gay club drugs.
The best part is that after having done these four things, I feel more organized AND a bit closer to taking over the world (by way of destroying Traditional Marriage). Wow. This must be how Martha Stewart feels every day. I should probably start my own magazine like she did. I could call it, “Gay Godless Living”. I just hope the publisher won’t want me to do CRAFTS for it. Jesus, I hate crafts. I’d rather wear a NorthFace fleece jacket to The Four Seasons than have to make some stupid Christmas tree ornaments out of toilet paper rolls, macaroni and colored pipe cleaners.
Now that the warm weather is here, we’re coming upon wedding season. For all your prospective brides out there… watch your back, honey. I am taking you and your breeder-boy down before you even have time to pick out napkins that match your tacky bridesmaids gowns.