Dear Readers and Breeders:
Because we gays cannot breed like… well… like breeders, we have to have another strategy to keep our numbers up and our population strong. We don’t want to go the way of the Dodo. Therefore, we have adopted a rigorous conversion methodology to ensure our survival. It’s often referred to informally by gays and lesbians as “Recruitment to the Gay Lifestyle: We Want You!” Here’s a bit of inside information on exactly how it is we lure innocent children over to the dark side.
There are several slightly different variations depending upon whether we’re trying to create a new gay boy or a new little lesbian. I’m less familiar with the lesbianization process, so I’ll stick with the process for making gay boys. Meanwhile, I’ll do further research into the lezzie side of the story and make that the focus of some future post.
To make a new gay:
- The first step is to dress your baby boy in pink clothes with eyelet lace at every corner. There is nothing that gets the gay genes turned on like pink clothing. Some people even wrap their infant recruits in turkey feather boas and hot glue sequins to their binkies. That’s a bit much for me, but admire the dedication.
- When they reach the terrible twos, it’s time to give your son a tiara and a scepter so his ordinary tantrums and fits can be channeled into practice being a princess. The first phrases you’ll want to teach them to shout aloud while stamping their tiny feet include, “We are not amused!”, “I want a pony!”, and “What a dump!”
- By the age of six, it’s time to ensure his normal, boy urge to play with trucks, guns and tools is entirely suppressed in favor of an Easy-Bake Oven, a Barbie Townhouse (to include summertime Barbie, Ken, Skipper and PJ), as well as every product ever made for the American Girl dolls collection (this phase of conversion is clearly the most costly).
- At twelve, our sons are introduced to Mystery Date, make-up, and mommy’s (aka, daddy’s) Manolos.
- At sweet sixteen, it’s time to come out as a homosexual debutante. This should be a healthy cross between an upper East Side cotillion and a Spanish Harlem quinceanera. Chic and elegant, but with glitter and a sense of fun. Oh, and it’s very important to ensure all guests bow to the new queen in order to give him confidence in his new role (that has helped me immensely over the years to recognize my own superiority over breeder boys).
- When they turn 21, it is VERY IMPORTANT to make them dress up in drag and take gay club drugs. The transformation you have worked so hard to craft will come to naught if this final step is skipped. Think of it as the final varnish on a lovely decoupaged end table; without it, the pretty cut-out cardboard flowers will be ruined.
Now, all this being said, I am aware that some of my more progressive homo pals have experimented with slight variations on this classic conversion recipe. If any of you fags out there would care to contribute your own formula for a new “specialite de la gay maison”, please do; Martha Stewart would be nothing without the recipes she stole (er, borrowed) from others.
One final note: Rick and I have recently recognized that our Western-focused approach to conversion is narrow-minded, outdated, unsustainable, and unscalable; so, like many American businesses, we are planning to move our operations to China. This is very exciting. They have a LOT OF KIDS over there, so this could be a major expansion for us. We are also importing homosexuality to Africa (I guess they’ve caught on already; they won’t shut up about it these days.)
Well, it’s time for bed.
Be sure to look over your shoulders, breeders, because we are opening a can of homo whoop-ass on your marital bliss…
Pete & Rick