Tag Archives: comedy

Our Godless Gay Marriage Plotting: Converting Children – A Helpful Homo How-To

Dear Readers and Breeders:

Because we gays cannot breed like… well… like breeders, we have to have another strategy to keep our numbers up and our population strong.  We don’t want to go the way of the Dodo.  Therefore, we have adopted a rigorous conversion methodology to ensure our survival.  It’s often referred to informally by gays and lesbians as “Recruitment to the Gay Lifestyle:  We Want You!”   Here’s a bit of inside information on exactly how it is we lure innocent children over to the dark side.

There are several slightly different variations depending upon whether we’re trying to create a new gay boy or a new little lesbian.  I’m less familiar with the lesbianization process, so I’ll stick with the process for making gay boys.  Meanwhile, I’ll do further research into the lezzie side of the story and make that the focus of some future post.

To make a new gay:

  1. The first step is to dress your baby boy in pink clothes with eyelet lace at every corner.   There is nothing that gets the gay genes turned on like pink clothing.  Some people even wrap their infant recruits in turkey feather boas and hot glue sequins to their binkies.  That’s a bit much for me, but  admire the dedication.
  2. When they reach the terrible twos, it’s time to give your son a tiara and a scepter so his ordinary tantrums and fits can be channeled into practice being a princess.  The first phrases you’ll want to teach them to shout aloud while stamping their tiny feet include, “We are not amused!”, “I want a pony!”, and “What a dump!”
  3. By the age of six, it’s time to ensure his normal, boy urge to play with trucks, guns and tools is entirely suppressed in favor of an Easy-Bake Oven, a Barbie Townhouse (to include summertime Barbie, Ken, Skipper and PJ), as well as every product ever made for the American Girl dolls collection (this phase of conversion is clearly the most costly).
  4. At twelve, our sons are introduced to Mystery Date, make-up, and mommy’s (aka, daddy’s) Manolos.
  5. At sweet sixteen, it’s time to come out as a homosexual debutante.  This should be a healthy cross between an upper East Side cotillion and a Spanish Harlem quinceanera.   Chic and elegant, but with glitter and a sense of fun.  Oh, and it’s very important to ensure all guests bow to the new queen in order to give him confidence in his new role (that has helped me immensely over the years to recognize my own superiority over breeder boys).
  6. When they turn 21, it is VERY IMPORTANT to make them dress up in drag and take gay club drugs.  The transformation you have worked so hard to craft will come to naught if this final step is skipped.  Think of it as the final varnish on a lovely decoupaged end table; without it, the pretty cut-out cardboard flowers will be ruined.

Now, all this being said, I am aware that some of my more progressive homo pals have experimented with slight variations on this classic conversion recipe.  If any of you fags out there would care to contribute your own formula for a new “specialite de la gay maison”, please do; Martha Stewart would be nothing without the recipes she stole (er, borrowed) from others.

One final note:  Rick and I have recently recognized that our Western-focused approach to conversion is narrow-minded, outdated, unsustainable, and unscalable; so, like many American businesses, we are planning to move our operations to China.  This is very exciting.  They have a LOT OF KIDS over there, so this could be a major expansion for us.  We are also importing homosexuality to Africa (I guess they’ve caught on already; they won’t shut up about it these days.)

Well, it’s time for bed.

Be sure to look over your shoulders, breeders, because we are opening a can of homo whoop-ass on your marital bliss…
Pete & Rick

Tagged , , , ,

Our Godless Gay Marriage Plotting: I’m Baaaaaaaaack!

Dear Readers and Breeders:

Let me start out by saying – How the Christ have you been, people?  My apologies for having been been out of touch for so long.   Life sent a few things my way – travel for work, food poisoning, the flooding of our kitchen by a clogged dishwasher.  You know, the usual.

Anyhoo, my primary husband, Rick (not my secondary husband, Rick Santorum nor the gnu we three married to make it a foursome), and I have been talking about things we can do to ruin Traditional Marriage that are less labor intensive than our usual menu of evil tactics.  And, in the process of talking (in Gaytian – we homos have our own language, you know) we realized that it’s time to get back to basics once again.

Yup.  That’s right, Phyllis*:  I’m talkin’ about… blending.  Acting like we’re normal.  Pretending that our perverted homosexual lifestyles are just like those of regular people.  Shifting gears from overt to covert.

* Phyllis is one of many universal “you” pronouns in Gaytian, the secret language of homosexuals.  Other similar examples would include Mary-Louise and Claire-Ann.

So, here is a list of the four major things we did this week to ruin Traditional Marriage and, with a little luck, bring about The Gay Rapture a tad sooner:

1. Food shopping – We went to a supermarket and bought bags of food.  Several of them.  Some of the foods we chose were actually in sub-containers, such as boxes or cling wrap.   When talking to the cashier, we didn’t even tell her we were GAY and buying food.  Is that twisted or what?!  If she’s reading this now, she’s probably freaking out!

2. Refilling the gas tank in our car – We literally drove right up to a normal gas station and acted like two people looking for some gasoline.  They had no idea we were actually two homoterrorists looking to ruin their lives through the simple transaction of swiping our credit card and refilling our tank.  We were beside ourselves when we drove away.

3. Sweeping our porch –  Pure adulterated evil.  We bought a normal breeder broom and then acted like we wanted to clean up our back porch a bit before Spring. You know, they way normal people do it.   The one teensy bit of flair:   We threw down a handful of Fairy Dust onto the porch floor so when we swept, all the children in a one-mile radius would breathe it in and begin to question their sexual orientation the next day.

4. Changing our winter clothes for our spring clothes – This is one of the most psychotic parts of the homosexual agenda.  We keep two separate sets of clothes that we switch at different times of the year.  Clearly, the objective here is to confuse and befuddle straight people who generally think that NorthFace fleece is a great year-round fabric and can be either casual or “dressy”.  By having two sets of clothes, we can switch our identities.  Sometimes, I even switch genders from one season to another.  Last year, I even dressed as a marsupial for the winter.  The straight people in our neighborhood nearly had a collective coronary.  Rick liked it because he could ride for free in my pouch, which was also a handy feature for storing things like my iPhone, lip balm and my gay club drugs.

The best part is that after having done these four things, I feel more organized AND a bit closer to taking over the world (by way of destroying Traditional Marriage).  Wow.  This must be how Martha Stewart feels every day.  I should probably start my own magazine like she did.  I could call it, “Gay Godless Living”.   I just hope the publisher won’t want me to do CRAFTS for it.  Jesus, I hate crafts.  I’d rather wear a NorthFace fleece jacket to The Four Seasons than have to make some stupid Christmas tree ornaments out of toilet paper rolls, macaroni and colored pipe cleaners.

Now that the warm weather is here, we’re coming upon wedding season.   For all your prospective brides out there… watch your back, honey.  I am taking you and your breeder-boy down before you even have time to pick out napkins that match your tacky bridesmaids gowns.

P-

Tagged , , , ,

Our Godless Gay Marriage Plotting: College Destroys Traditional Marriage, So We Snobbishly Support It

Dear Readers and Breeders:

Of the myriad reasons I am in love with my spouse-to-be, Rick Santorum – whom I refer to as Rick II,  by way of distinguishing him from my other husband, Rick I – the raison numero uno is that he is a worthy opponent, by God.   And let’s face it:  There is simply nothing hotter than a worthy opponent (OK, actually, the werewolf from True Blood is totally hotter, but let’s put him aside for purposes of this discussion and stay focused, people).

As he made quite clear during his recent tour de force speech to Americans for Prosperity, Rick II sees right through the married homosexual plot to destroy America through increased availability to higher education, which has manifested itself most recently in President Obama’s “snobbish” push for college funding for all Americans.  I’ll tell you, nothing gets by Rick II (especially if it has butter on it).  For this reason, as well as those sexy sweater-vests that show off his pear-shaped physique, Rick I and I are determined to marry Rick II.  And a llama or gnu.

Which brings me to the crux of the post.

Now that Rick II has spilled the beans (and eaten the ones he could salvage right off the floor), there is no longer a point in keeping our latest plan a secret.  So, here it is in black and white:  Rick I and I are going to destroy the fabric of society through our snobbish support for higher education.  This will obviously lead to the demise of Traditional Marriage, increase American dependence on foreign oil, infringe on the rights of Christians to practice their religion, and result in a loss of jobs for blue-collar workers.   If none of this is making any sense to you, you’re a GED-toting idiot and you will need to follow this blog for the rest of your life so you can make something of yourself.

The specifics of our plan are still be worked out, but here are some initial thoughts:

  • Rick I and I will work in close collaboration with the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation (which we’ve recently taken over through the liberal dispensation of gay club drugs to its leadership) to create a scholarship program.  This brilliant stroke of evil same-sex genius will help fund the education of students who cannot afford college.  In exchange, they will agree to become gay.
  • The current Secretary of Education will be replaced by RuPaul, who will work with Perez Hilton, Chris Colfer, Rip Torn, and Ellen Degeneres and to develop a homosexual curriculum that will include courses such as, “Find the Perfect Shoe Online”, “Window Treatments As Cultural Change Agents”, “Wharton’s ‘Age of Innocence’ As Metaphor for Converting Children”, “Witty Retorts from 1850 to the Present” and “Auto Repair for Gals”.
  • A limited set of approved intramural activities will be funded, including:  Fine Arts, Studio Arts, Theater Arts, Art History, Dance, Glee Club, Floral Arranging Club, Fashion Week Committee, Wine-Tasting Society, and Women’s Rugby.
  • A standardized test for all college graduates that sets minimum standards for the following:
    • Applied Dramatic Flair Abilities
    • Self-Tanner Application Skills
    • Pop Diva Trivia (boys) or Homeopathic Vegan Remedies for Sports Injuries (girls) Knowledge
    • Cocktail Conversation Abilities
    • Demon Summoning, Witchcraft and Other Satan-Spawned Powers Practicum

As you might expect, a variety of Homosexual Hollywood Elite Power Couples have signed on to work with us, including:  Oprah and Gayle; John Travolta and Tom Cruise; Kelly Clarkson and Queen Latifah; and newly-in-lust Mario Lopez and LL Cool J.  Each of them has provided (or probably will provide maybe) substantial funding, personal endorsements, and super-duper enthusiasm.

All we have to do now is bide our time and watch as the United States slowly turns into a nation of highly educated homosexuals who find themselves back in the fagotty, humiliating #1 position on the global literacy map.  We will be able to compete again in the global economy, hold our heads high when we go abroad (instead of mumbling, “I’m…. uhhh… Amerinnnn”, and find other countries on a map… all of which mill work together to destroy the fabric of society and make Traditional Marriage a thing of the past.

Wow.  We homos really are EVIL.  If I weren’t me, I wouldn’t give me any rights either.  I’m really dangerous.

Tagged , , , ,

Our Godless Gay Marriage Plotting: Special Feature – Tools of the Trade

Dear Readers and Breeders:

As the whole Proposition 8 hullabaloo whirled around, a number of breeders amongst you inquired about how exactly we married gays do what we do – you know, in terms of destroying the fabric of society and wrecking families kind of stuff, I mean.

As most of you know already, we recruit children, sexually accost breeders in public restrooms, etc.  But the question remains:  HOW exactly do we do those things?

Ah, that, my dear Readers and Breeders, is a tale worth telling.  Or a blog worth blogging, I suppose.

I have, over the course of my blogging career, mentioned a few of the standard gay methods of destroying traditional marriage and compelling breeders to do our bidding, such as:  animal sacrifice; drinking their blood at the full moon; spell-casting; and gay club drugs.  But these are old chestnuts in our bag of homo tricks (not that there’s anything wrong with hanging onto a trick that’s a reliable old chestnut, mind you).  The truly awe-inspiring and powerful weapons we gays wield, on the other hand, have never been mentioned outside the Secret Pink Circle… until now.

Read on, if you dare.  (Oh, keep reading, you big baby.)

1. Pansy Potion – This sexually-deviant elixir is an ancient recipe that dates all the way back to the 1970s.  Originally brewed as a hangover cure for “Boone’s Farm and Black Beauty” parties, it was soon observed that those who drank this potion soon exhibited patently homosexual behaviors;within hours of imbibing Pansy Potion, the imbiber became significantly more attractive with lower body-fat and smaller pores.  Moreover, their IQ and EQ shot up well beyond the norm, while their taste in clothing, food, wine and interior decor turned notably flawless.  This potion has been used on breeder men ever since and has resulted in countless successful gay conversions.  The key ingredients in Pansy Potion are equal parts Tattinger Brut Champage, fen-fen, and ritalin, with a splash of Tab, a spritz of Chanel #5, a pinch of craft glitter and a Kalamata olive*, served in a chilled Waterford martini glass.  (NOTE:  It’s lesbian counterpart, known as “Butch Beer”, has similarly magical attributes and works in much the same way as Pansy Potion; the main difference is the ingredients, which include equal parts Sam Adams, soy, tempeh, and a dash of Odwalla juice served in an old Red Sox World Series Champs plastic cup).

* The olive doesn’t actually do jack-shit.  I just love olives so I like to add one for a festive, gay touch.

2. The Eye of Dorothy – This astonishing amulet can be created from any large rhinestone brooch that has been worn by a fabulous drag-queen at midnight during The Night of Thousand Gowns ball in NYC.   In a nutshell, it can be used to hypnotize breeders into giving up their children for induction into the gay lifestyle.  (Note to gays: It also looks really great if you go as a Duke or Viscount for Halloween, which is an added plus.)

3.  Lasso of Poof – This weapon is a distant cousin to its more famous third-cousin twice removed, Wonder Woman’s Lasso of Truth.  Unlike the rope wielded by the famous heroine with the cool-ass bracelets that every gay man totally wanted as a boy, the Lasso of Poof uses the power of gender confusion and questions over sexual orientation to convince the victim that he/she is gay.   The Lasso of Poof is usually made from a simple recipe of Home Depot twine, gold glitter spray-paint, an eye for detail and a flair for drama.   After the Lasso of Poof has done its work, most gays use it to tie up their breeder victims for purposes of sexual molestation, as well as to make them do any necessary vacuuming, laundry and general home repair.

4.  Hot Glue Gun –   Whether it’s converting breeders or putting up that sawtooth molding you’ve been eyeing at your frenemy’s condo, there is simply nothing that cannot be done with the help of a hot glue gun.  (Possible exceptions include the treatment of syphilis, the de-friending of horrid people on Facebook, and bringing peace to the Darfur region.)

5.  Vodka – When all else fails, the best thing to do is get breeders drunk.  Even the children.  They are, as a group, much more pliable when plastered.  I have personally converted over 300,000 breeders to the homosexual lifestyle using nothing more than my innate charm (which is considerable, I might note) and a bottle of Grey Goose Me.   This mystical  brew from the humble potato also works beautifully with the lesser charms mentioned earlier, especially gay club drugs.  Warning:  For young gays who are new to converting breeders, be aware that the gay club drugs should be used sparingly; there is nothing more annoying than a six-year old boy who wants to hear “I Will Survive” over and over again while dancing on a speaker in a sparkly frock. It will fray your last good nerve! so do proceed with caution.

There are, of course, countless other weapons in our arsenal.  My next posting may be about the spells we married gays use to bring about the downfall of traditional marriage and the ruination of the world.  I may have to translate them from the original Pig Latin, but I think it will be worth the effort and contribute to the larger knowledge base of mankind.

And if any of you breeders think you’re gonna try one of these weapons on the gays… think again, Claire-Ann.  As Glinda the Good said to the Wicked Witch of the West, “Begone, ugly breeder witch… you have no power here!”  (Paraphrased from the original.)

Tagged , , , ,

Our Godless Gay Marriage Plotting: Phase 3 – Operation Fabulosity

Dear Readers and Breeders:

I am currently reading Simon Doonan’s latest book, “Gay Men Don’t Get Fat”. While it’s patently obvious that his little “tour de forced” is a rather reductive* knock-off of my sensational, socially-explosive blog, I do find bits of his writing amusing. I might even go so far as to say I occasionally chuckle as I read and do credit him with some low-level insights into breederdom.

* Reductive in the same sense that Madonna implied Gaga’s “Born This Way” a reductive knock-off of her own Vivaldi-esque “Express Yourself”.

Doonan’s premise is that gay men are kindred spirits with French women in that both tribes are bitchy, smug and self-assured. Yet, despite these similarities, Doonan rightfully adds that gay men have an edge over breeder Frogs by virtue of ACTUALLY BEING FABULOUS as opposed simply to believing themselves so. Reductive Doonan, admittedly, seems to be onto something here.

Back to me.

What if some fabulous, gay married couple – say, for example, Rick and I, just to throw an idea out there – were to describe in detail how FABULOUS our lives are in comparison to the dreary existence of their married breeder friends, relatives, neighbors, co-workers and acquaintances? Could we make them realize the futility of their bleak hetero relationships? And, in doing so, could we cause breeder divorce rates to skyrocket, with the resulting divorcees turning to gay club drugs in order to escape (which would be a super-lucrative opportunity for the 99% of gay marrieds who deal in illegal substances)? Would we married gays thus be in an ideal position to scoop up their contested assets and adopt their children into our own Godless homes for recruitment into the gay lifestyle?

Clearly, the answer is a resounding, “Of course, darling!”

So, for all my breeder fans, listen up whilst I regale you with the details of Rick’s and my BRILLIANT, CHIC and EXCITING GAY MARRIED LIFE. If this doesn’t have you heading to Las Vegas in a black cloud of despair for an overnight decree, you must be illiterate (in which case I’ll draw some pictures for you later). For those breeders who can read however….

Here is a typical day at the home of Rick and Pete, your average married gays:

  • We are asleep in our bondage bed wearing silk pajamas that are hand-stitched by our live-in tailor/sex slave from Hong Kong, Wen.
  • At precisely 7:00 am, our Brazilian houseboy/sex slave, Paolo, arrives and wakes us by gently clinking a sterling silver Tiffany letter opener against two Waterford champagne flutes filled with Dom Perignon. The champagne glasses are on a gold tray loaded with whole grain toast (no butter), fat-free Greek yogurt and 3 different club drugs to start the day right.
  • Once breakfast in bed has been served by Paolo, Wen is summoned by means of an antique Flemish tapestry bell pull and brings in our mink-lined cashmere bathrobes and diamond tiaras. We must be decently attired, for it’s now time to give audience to the drug/food serfs that work the land around our condominium to provide our restaurant-quality produce and our illegal substance ingredients (poppy, cannabis, etc.)
  • Once justice has been dispensed to the drug/food serfs, it is time for the first orgy of the day. 20-30 underwear models are led into our dungeon and our live-in handyman, Vincenzo, sets up them up with slings, leather whips, wooden paddles and other orgiastic accoutrements. Vincenzo also brings fat-free tea sandwiches and Earl Gray with Equal for everyone. We want the boys to be happy in case we want to marry several of them later.
  • Fast forward several hours and it’s time to sacrifice animals to the Dark Lord. Paolo has been to Chinatown while we were having our orgy and he bought a goat, a possum and three Andalusian chickens. Rick and I quickly change into our devil-cult cloaks and hoods, head out onto the veranda, and chant while slaughtering the animals, drinking their blood and reading their entrails to see when The End of Days will be coming. (We actually spare a baby llama because we may want to marry it later, along with several of the more endowed underwear models.)
  • By this point, the day’s invitations for lunch with members of the highest social circles arrive and must be culled. Sadly, all but one will be rejected. After some debating, we finally accept an invitation to the Kennedy compound in Hyannisport. We insist they send a private jet to collect us, as we have another sex party scheduled for high tea-time on Ibiza.
  • Before lunch, we still have to recruit children into the gay lifestyle; we are behind on our monthly quota. We quickly change into our leather chaps with no underwear and spandex tank tops. Using a rather clever combination of candy, hypnosis and spell-casting, we recruit all the children we need to meet our monthly quota… and then some! Wow, what a day!
  • We chain up the kids fotr transport and jump into our limo. We race to Logan airport and hop aboard the Kennedy jet. Arriving on Cape Cod, we choke down the horrid luncheon of bland, overcooked Yankee food and bid them farewell… relieved to have that obligation behind us.
  • We request that the pilot stop in Colombia to replenish our supply of cocaine, Ecstasy and other gay club drugs. We need to stock up before we fly to Ibiza. Besides the orgy, we have a Dolce & Gabbana trunk show to attend.
  • When all is said and done, we have done the Marquis de Sade proud and we’re back on the Kennedy jet with a huge steamer trunk full of the current season’s D&G collection.
  • Upon our flight’s arrival back in Boston, we are greeted by Lady Gaga who begs us to have dinner with her. Oh, dear. We are caught in a social conundrum, as we have been asked to attend Whitney Houston’s funeral and then hop over to LA for dinner at Steven Spielberg’s house with Meryl Streep, Andre Agassi, Hilary Clinton, Queen Elizabeth, Miss Piggy, Tiger Woods and Cher. Poor Gaga; we express our regrets but promise to attend her Christmas party.
  • Apres Chez Spielberg, Rick gets a hankering to defile a church in Tuscany, but I’m way too tired. I need a mani/pedi, so we take a limo over to Newbury Street dressed in drag. When we get near the Boston Common, we ask the driver to pull over for a short while so we can make lewd advances on some straight guys in the public restroom.
  • That done, we get our mani/pedis and take more club drugs and drink champagne mixed with the blood of a virgin.
  • When we get home, we make a $10,000,000 donation to The Gay Agenda Committee, which is secretly working to take over the world and has sent us some lovely free personal address labels to thank us. (Sweet!)
  • Next thing you know, it’s time for bed. We sodomize each other, change into a fresh pair of hand-stitched silk pajamas, take more gay club drugs and get ready to start it all over again tomorrow.

You see, breeders, we gay married people really do have lives that are SO MUCH MORE FANTABULOUS than yours could ever possibly be. Why don’t you just surrender, get divorced and hook up with someone of the same gender? The best thing you can do is to follow the advice that Anita gave to Maria in the classic musical West Side Story: “Stick to your own kind, stick to your own kind!”

_____

p.s. – Mom and Dad, I know you’re not reading this because you guys don’t “do the computer”… but we’re still taking your marriage down.

Tagged , , , ,

Our Godless Gay Marriage Plotting: Phase 2 – Measuring Our Success

Dear Readers and Breeders:

In my professional life, I am what is commonly referred to as Digital Strategist.  In other words, I have a job that is VERY fancy-schmancy, hoity-toity and higgledy-piggledy (which doesn’t really fit with the other two expressions but was the best I could do given my extremely aggressive editiorial calendar).  Anyway, a big part of my job is to talk to clients about how to measure the success of a project or engagement.

Which made me realize something.  How will I actually know if I’ve destroyed Traditional Marriage?  Not just wounded it or put it in the hospital or given it a bad case of rickets… but really CRUSHED IT.

I now see that what Rick and I need are some hard-core metrics to help us gauge the success of our plot.  We need proof points, case studies, white papers and double-blind clinical trials.

What we have at this moment – in terms of evidence our plan is working – is largely anecdotal.  Here are the highlights of what we’ve got:

1. Kim Kardashian was involved in a very mature, successful, mutually-nurturing relationship with some sports guy and they got married.   Then New York starts stirring the pot with gay marriage legislation.  Next thing you know… BOOM!   The fairy tale is over.   Kim’s and Sporty’s marriage was collateral damage.   The same thing happened to Britney Spears; must have been a COINCIDENCE that right around the same time, a number of liberal states were mucking around in the muddy waters of gay marriage…  or was it…?

2. The people of Greece were just going along, not bothering anybody, trying to live their lives… until Barak Obama starts talking about the need for “more gay rights”.   Before you can say, “Hiney-Poker Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers” ten times fast… BAM!   Their country can’t repay its debt and Arianna Huffington gets divorced.  Probably one thing had nothing to do with the others… or did it…?

3.  The Patriots were favored to win the SuperBowl… until Tom Menino becomes one of five major city mayors to support gay marriage… and   POW!    The Pats go down in flames and Tom Brady prepares to put Giselle The Mouth up for sale on eBay.  Or at least that’s the news as reported on Twitter by Roland Martin who is on…  oopsy, my bad… who USED TO BE ON CNN, but was suspended for being a prime-time asshole.

But these anecdotes are utterly insufficient to show our success!  Damn you, breeders!  You are a tougher lot to foil than I ever imagined.  (The problem is that a lot of your males LOOK AND ACT really dumb, so it’s kind of deceptive.)

It all comes down to this:  What Rick and I need is a CSI murder trial worth of HARD, SOLID, AIR-TIGHT, UNTAMPERED WITH EVIDENCE to prove our plan is succeeding on a global scale.   And the only way it will happen is you, Dear Readers and Breeders.   We simply cannot do it alone (I just sang that line aloud, FYI, for all the gays that love “Chicago”).   So, if you know of any major marital catastrophes in the world that are probably a direct result of gay marriage, please leave a comment here with enough information for Rick and me to build a case for our success.

Oh, and if you have been personally affected by gay marriage and are currently undergoing a nasty divorce, please leave your ex-spouse’s contact information so we can get some scoop worth printing.  Thanks heaps.

Tagged , , , ,

Our Godless Gay Marriage Plotting: Special Valentine’s Day “Fuschia-Level” Alert

Dear Readers and Breeders:

This very day, married gays around the world are committing acts of what I call “homoterrorism”.    That’s right, Homeland Security sleuths and toughs will need to be on the look-out for same-sex love crimes that may seem inconsequential to the untrained eye but that are deviously calculated to destroy Traditional Marriage by promoting gay nuptials.

I am assuming that at any moment the federal government will issue a “fuschia-level” alert (which is SO MUCH WORSE than red… like al-Qaeda times a hundred and fifty-three).  A public announcement will ensure to ask that law-abiding married breeders report any of the following bizarre, Godless, and suspicious activities:

  • A man giving flowers to another man (except at a funeral parlor… or if one of them is wearing an orange sari and holding a tambourine)
  • A man giving candy to a boy (except if it’s Halloween or Easter)
  • A woman kissing another woman (unless there is a straight guy holding a video camera and shouting directions to “Get into it!”)
  • A woman holding another woman’s hand (except at a nursing home, a prayer circle, or a manicure station)
  • Drag queens dressed in red and/or pink (this group is especially dangerous; proceed with extreme caution)
  • Transgendered people because they are just throwing this whole friggin’ marriage/gender/equality thing up in the air like pick-up-sticks
  • Any two people watching the Valentine’s Day episode of “Glee” because lewd gay acts cannot be far behind

For married breeders, this clearly constitutes a “See Something, Say Something” situation.  But the poor dupes will be so busy swapping flowers and candy and lingerie that we married gays will have the perfect cover for our gay military junta to replace the current democratically-elected government.

You didn’t think GAYS IN THE MILITARY recently got the go-ahead just because Congressional breeders wanted to do the right thing, did you?  Ha!!!  No, no, you fools.  This landmark legal maneuver came about because Rick and I worked diligently behind the scenes –  in cahoots with the Pink Mafia’s other married gay homoterrorists – to strong-arm the Obama administration and make them do our bidding.   (I also promised Michelle that I would sketch wedding dresses for each of the girls, so she made double-sure things went our way.)

Oh, Sweet Victory, you are the loveliest Valentine of all. *

* Dearest Rick, I mean this only in the metaphorical sense.  You still need to get me something expensive, dear.

Married Breeders, enjoy your flowers and candy and lingerie while this Valentine’s Day lasts… for your relationships are DOOMED!!!

Tagged , , , ,

Our Godless Gay Marriage Plotting: Phase 2 – Knowledge is Power; Study Thine Enemy

Dear Readers and Breeders:

Rick and I have realized that Phase I of our plot to ruin Traditional Marriage was over before it began.  We simply did not know enough about breeder culture to blend.  What we needed was to educate ourselves on their ways and customs.   For example, why is a trip to Water Country considered a fun vacation?  Why are Rachel Ray’s SuperBowl recipes considered delicious food?   Why is NorthFace fleece considered business casual?

In the name of our cause, Rick and I have decided to do an immersion course in breeder culture.  For the past 24 hours, we have done the following:

  • Had lunch at Hooters and observed straight men in their natural habitat  (ewww…)
  • Learned how to change the oil filter in our car (ewww yet again…)
  • Bought a meat smoker and 10 lbs of Omaha Steaks online (entire thing DOA – requires that we hire staff to do actual smoking)
  • Shopped for clothes at Kohl’s (and we’re back to ewww…)
  • Watched “The 100 Greatest Moments in Baseball” (oxymoron)
  • Test drove a minivan and a Mustang (What’s worse – people thinking we live in the suburbs or thinking we have small penises?)
  • Sat through a horrible high school sporting event on a rainy Saturday with parents urging their kids to kill/beat/slaughter/main the other team
  • Read a DIY book on adding a “den” on to our house (see photo below of Rick in bed staring at the pages of a home repair guide as if trying to
  •  decipher the Dead Sea Scrolls with only 2 years of high-school Spanish under his belt)
With this level of commitment, can anyone question how much Rick and I do for our tribe and it’s cause?   Mind you, we ask for no rewards other than knowing we are helping others.  (Then again, if someone wants to invite us to speak at a large convention for a significant stipend, first-class air accommodations and a stay at an upscale hotel, we would feel obliged to accept.)
Until next time, Dear Readers and Breeders…

Rick

Rick does a breeder immersion program by reading a DIY home repair book.
Tagged , , , ,

Our Godless Gay Marriage Plotting: Phase 2 – Operation “Marry Me, Massachusetts!”

Dear Readers and Breeders:

There are golden opportunities in life that arise from the unlikeliest of sources; we must seize them and bless life’s irony in the process.

During his speech at CPAC – or IPECAC, as I call it – Mitt Romney transparently spun his stint as governor of my own fair state, Massachusetts, into a point of bragging by claiming that despite gay marriage’s ratification on his watch,  he had successfully prevented a much worse outcome.  Indeed, by defending an old miscegenation law designed to prevent interracial marriage, Romney hoped to prevent out-of-state homuxules (as my friend’s somewhat batty grandmother refers to us) from flocking to Massachusetts, getting hitched, and bringing their newly married status back to their hometowns to be spread around Typhoid Mary-style.

In spinning his foolish yarn, Mr. Mitt had unwittingly handed me the keys to the Kingdom of Breederland.   You see, he made me realize that all my husband Rick and I need to do is get as many gays as possible to come to Massachusetts, infect them with the same-sex love bug and scurry back to their own states like little wedded cockroaches ready to infest (I almost said breed).  We will make our state the Las Vegas of Gay Marriage.   Here’s what we’ll need to do in order to implement “Marry Me, Massachusetts!”, the next major  milestone in our evil plan to ruin Breeder Marriage (BM):

1.  Slot machines.   Gay people don’t generally like tables covered in cheap, green felt; it offends our aesthetic sense.    Therefore, we’ll need to lobby Governor Duvall Patrick about putting slot machines into the men’s shoe departments at Barney’s, Neiman Marcus, and Saks, as well as the lumber section of Home Depot (can’t forget our dykes).   Oh, and these machines MUST accept leftover drink tickets from various circuit parties and gay rights fundraisers.

2. Drag queens.  Simply put, we will need a lot more drag queens than we currently have on-hand in Massachusetts ready for deployment.  Everyone knows Las Vegas has fabulous showgirls.   What few realize is that the very finest ones are drag queens and/or transgendered gals.  Does anyone have a cell number for the American Drag Queen Embassy?  It must be located in Texas or Georgia; everyone knows these are big drag states.   Is there a website Rick and I should visit to learn more?  I know a few drag queens myself, but this plan requires HORDES of them.   Does anyone have Ru Paul’s cell number?   We’ll need to place them at T-stops, Amtrak Terminals, fine restaurants, mall entrances, upscale hotels and Home Depot (gotta keep the dykes happy) to ensure our out-of-town guest are properly greeted wherever they go in our fair state.

3. Drinks, drinks, drinks and more drinks.  Good cocktails are an absolute must when there are gays to be had.  No self-respecting homo-person is going to go to a place to get married (or attend someone else’s wedding) where they don’t offer an open bar with top-shelf liquor.  Oh, and the dykes are going to want free food, so we’ll need some lovely finger-foods and amuse bouche to keep our guests happy.

4.  Rogue Christian ministers, defrocked Catholic bishops, and Reform rabbis, as well as several hundred Wiccan priestesses and Buddhist monkesses dressed as Elvis or KD Lang (yup, dyke duty).

5.  Good tailors to make bespoke suits/tuxes for both fags and dykes,  as well as some really nice Vera Wang knock-off gowns for the increasing number of  lipstick lezzies plus a few of the drag queens.  Does anyone have a number for Hong Kong?  Is there a website for their president/queen/Elder?  We’ll need them to ship over their entire bespoke workforce as soon as possible.   If they could bring all their fabric swatches, that would be terrific.

6.  Flowers galore, with sufficient upscale greens (i.e., not CHEESY FERNS or BABY’S BREATH, thank you; we’re getting married not planning a high school prom).   Does anyone have a number for Holland?  Or the website of the Dutch Ministry of Gay Affairs?  With the current economy, Rick thinks it’s probably best if we buy direct.  Also, tulips are a classic and not overly expensive (the dykes are not paying for Lily of the Valley and French lilacs, I’ll tell you that).   We’ll also need about 850,000,000 of those little flower food packets; the last thing we need is some bitchy queen screaming about how all the flowers in Massachusetts are day-old floor samples.

7. Celine Dion, Wayne Newton, Cher and Cirque du Soleil.  Let’s face it, without these acts, there is no way we are competing with Vegas.  We need huge casino headliners with big sets, 200 costume changes and pyrotechnics.  If we want to up the ante, actually, we’ll have Gaga.  Does anyone have her cell number so Rick can text her with our ideas for a “Monster Marriage” show?

8. Anderson Cooper,  Rachel Maddow and Perez Hilton.  We need COVERAGE people.  Of course, I’ll also be covering the event here on my sensational, socially-explosive blog.

That should do it.  Please note that we’ll need to get a lot of this done by the end of April because, come May, we need to be in full swing to take advantage of the nuptial season.   If anyone has extra time on their hands and would like to volunteer for our “Marry Me, Massachusetts!” program, please leave a comment here.  And be sure to “Follow” this blog so you’ll get all the planning updates.

Mom and Dad, sorry, but we are taking your relationship DOWN…
Pete & Rick

Tagged , , , ,

Our Godless Gay Marriage Plotting: Phase 1B – My Wild Night with Rick…

Dear Readers and Breeders:

I believe we have made a giant step forward in our plot to ruin BM.

My dear husband, Rick, reminded me earlier today that since we are Godless, sex-addled, drug-snorting, pederastic heathen, we are not bound by the rules of morality or ethical strictures.  As long as we observe the sacred tenets such as not wearing white after Labor Day, we can do whatever we please.

That’s when I realized that I was going to have a wild night with Rick… Santorum.  That’s right.  I was hunting the big kahuna of the GOPrimaries.  And when I finished with him, his marriage would be toast.  And then I could marry him as well as my original Rick – and then maybe we could wed a sheep at the same time (to keep up with the demand for sweater vests on the campaign trail).   We could adopt 30-40 children from Catholic Charities in Virginia, make them all gay, win the White House and make a HUGE RIP in the fabric of society.

I realize now, though, that my plan won’t be easy to execute.  I will have to woo my chubby-hubby to be with the full force of my considerable charm.  (I could just buy the sheep, on the other hand, so no sweat there.)   I decided that I needed to record a love song for the object of my affection.  For the moment, I’ll keep my gender secret and make him think I’m a husky-throated vamp.

To My Soon To Be Second Husband, Ricky Santorum, this is for you, baby.  (Joss Stone got nothin’ on me, child.)   Click here and take a listen… and then gimme a jingle, big boy:    http://cl.ly/3K3r2c423k2s1v1G0D13

Tagged , , , , , , , ,
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 55 other followers

%d bloggers like this: